Slammed & Shamed

Figure Modeling has been gifted upon me.

Modeling is a professional outlet that offers a direct connection to my own personal well of Inner Strength and Security.

My personal experiences with it is best illustrated by the frequent reaching of higher and greater plateau’s, only to look up at a mountain whose treacherous cliffs appear unscalable even by the most sure footed of goats. Its peaks  eclipsed by clouds.

: ) There is always more work to be done. ( : 

Also beneficial in that it’s a constant fall back option. One that I may soon be relying more heavily upon.

For weeks, I’ve walked around stunned.

Lost in the judgement of my own emotions.

Afraid to voice my feelings. Even here, choked up by the fear of what risk it would have on my own future employment, doing the Good Work.

A true professional, I did not want to throw away a River North desk job with true potential.

As a confused individual, I saw the situation that I was in as fairly typical, and considered my own emotions as the over reaction of a woman who is already strung out from her history of repression.

My Maternal Masculine employer has asked up & down. “Oooh, Carly what’s wrong?

All the while, stuck deep down inside of me has been a pain which he himself had inflicted.

Here it is:

Gaby who essentially ran the office. Decided on a whim not to return to Chicago after Christmas. Leaving the rest of us in an apparent lurch. Or, just my boss, who relied on her heavily for one particularly large project along with other daily office duties.

Of course this wreaked like a ripe opportunity!! 

Now, it’s  Good Practice to recognize my own role in any & all of my personal tragedies. Of which there are plenty…

Coffee is a serious No No for me.

My body responds to stimuli quite quickly!!

Dr. Pickett explains that this is in direct relation to my own emotional sensitivity. A Martian, ruled largely by the stomach, our emotional storehouse, sometimes referred to as the solar plexus.

However, as I walk through the steps of steam cleaning my deep seeded feelings, it’s important to be aware of, and to take action on guard against the drunken effects caused by a strong burst of false energy provided by a sweet cuppa caffeine. Yep!

Of course coffee is bitter & delicious. When you’re used to it, there really is no better kick in the head to jump start a day. And a swift kick is exactly what was in store for me on this karmic licked day…

I arrived early to that fabulous establishment set with the intention to sip one down while pen met with paper as my heart felts poured out onto the pages so that we may all dance away together.

Of course, my M.F.A. Co-Worker who primarily collaborates with me on the preference of arriving early in order to soak up the solitude, walks in the door not too long after the initial etchings of time and date take place.

Okay, I guess we’re talking. 

He gets the cortado as the feelings of excitement from my morning cup begin to rise up. Now, coffee really does have a drunken effect upon me. It’s not like an initial buzz either. It’s three beers deep on an empty stomach with impaired speech. It’s out of control automations, and the whole experience places a strong emphasis on my already emphasized downfall: Impulse Control.

Once the Masculine Maternal arrives I am totally buzzed.

He tends to talk. Sometimes it’s difficult not to interrupt.

As expected he offers up more hours to each of us.

My M.F.A. male co-worker was already there more readily is now on 9-5 M-F.

I received an extra day, a long term promise of full-time employment, and an unnecessary spoken agreement to work around my schedule with SAIC.

What do you do at SAIC? Asks the M.F.A. of his alma mater.

She’s a figure model. Replied my boss.

I shrunk. & shrunk &  shrunk & shrunk.

The statement made me feel ashamed. Not only about what had been said, but because along with it sank a deep feeling of somehow performing poorly in this professional setting. I was being punished. Perhaps for my present personality totally canned on coffee.

My Secret Wish is that I’d already acquired the confidence to disregard such childish impoliteness.

Modeling is a wonderful profession that dutifully merits respect in the workplace.

Thanks for Listening,

: ) ( : 




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