Tragedy

carlyEM

The tragedy is not that I was born ugly.

In fact, I was born to be absolutely stunning!

A Leo Rising with Venus conjunct the Sun. You can’t get more Astrologically suited for good looks than that.

The tragedy is that

I AM BEAUTIFUL,

BUT! 

By carrying around  deep emotional wounds for over half a life time my Body has a lot to show for it.

Subconscious self destruction set in at a very early age.

At thirteen, I suffered my first major trauma:

Open Heart Surgery

It is so embarrassing to admit the diluted path of  pain numbing that has been walked for over half my Life, since that time…

So, here to do a little Shadow Work, let’s shed some light on it.

It is after all a primary purpose for keeping up with my career as a Model. And, for my work here, as a Practice in Self Love.

By not having learned how to properly manage my own levels of high energy–nervous tension and anxiety, have reached a pinnacle in how easily it can become overwhelming.  

By having allowed poor habits to flourish rather than taking part in activities that would amplify my natural beauty…

Here I stand, freshly thirty, with little to no lung capacity. Born with a broken heart that never had a chance to heal, or to learn how good its own strength can feel.

The lack of ladies in my small private school murdered any chance of playing basketball.

 The year I returned from recovery my ignorant ass was pushed out to the streets of our tiny town sitting on the rim of the big city.

Where I picked up smoking.

Now, my teeth when flossed, prove stinky.

Gums, visibly receding.

Walking up four flights of stairs makes me winded and sweaty.

Though as a city girl, I naturally walk briskly: A mask  to the truth behind my poorly conditioned physicality.

Now, I practice walking slowly.

Naturally well formed Leo Rising disguises my rounded figure. Keeps me looking “pretty.

Simultaneously, acting as the primary accomplice, for keeping up with these destructive habits.

This just in: my chubby thighs, the downfall of my existence, are simply an indication for more cardiovascular activity

Whattya know? The one thing I’ve been refusing to do.

Acne scars.

Wrinkles.

Red patches on my cheeks.

White spots on my back– an undeniable sign of too much yeast within my precious bodily system.

The list continues…

As a Model, people point out how & where my beauty lies. Every time I look in the mirror, or at a photographed picture, my sad sickly self is  looking back at me.

It’s Amazing!!

How, I’ve allowed this self- defeating to continue on for so long.

Poor habits feed blistering infection. Left standing in still waters due to an apparently unconscious deep & abiding depression.

My time spent modeling forces me to focus on my body. To get in touch with my deeper self. To weed out these self- defeating aspects from their root.

& that’s why I do it!

 

: ) ( :

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